I wanted to compile a practical checklist on what to do when someone dies.
The days after you are given the initial news is a time when you are emotionally numb. Going through the motions as a functioning human being but not really functioning much at all. The death, in my case, was not a surprise; we were able to say our goodbyes and make provisional plans before the death occurred.
A few I lost a close family member, which was a surprise. Both losses sting just as much. I’m still processing my feelings around this loss, so I don’t want to write too much about feelings or coping strategies. It’s taking all the strength I have to keep my family afloat, explaining things to the children for example. However, no one talks about death until they are affected by it, and hard though it is, there are practical things that need to be done – at a time when you are not likely to be in a coherent state to do them.
Before the death:
If, like me, you had an inkling that this death was a possibility, there are things you can do to help make the eventual situation easier. Talk to the patient (I’ll use the word patient to describe the deceased before they died – for simplicity) about their wishes. Ask them what funeral arrangements they want, and help them to make a will if they haven’t already. It depends on the individual situation you are in if you can have this kind of conversation with them or not. If the patient has faced up to the inevitability of the problem, they may welcome the chance to put their affairs in order. As much as it could pain you to hear about it, it’s vital for them to feel like they have been heard.
If it would be insensitive to talk to the actual patient about their affairs after death, or if they don’t want to discuss it, then just be there for whatever they need. Hold their hand, touch is the most basic comforting you can do but the most profound—Skin-to-skin contact – just like you did with your babies to bond. Listen, let them get things off their chest. Sit with them as they cry. You don’t have to have all the answers, none of us do. But we can bear witness to another’s suffering. We can hold the space for them to vent in whichever way this comes out. It’s not easy. But nothing about dying is.
Check your wardrobe. It sounds odd to write but do you have a suitable outfit for a funeral? If not, perhaps you can keep this in your mind when you are near shops, so you can pop in and look when you pass. Often you may suspect that death is near but wouldn’t know when it will happen. You could have weeks or months before the inevitable actually occurs, so I’m not suggesting you take a special shopping trip, but just have the thought in your head for when you happen to be near the shops. It’s better to be prepared in advance and have something for yourself (and your partner, children, etc) ready in your wardrobe so that you don’t have to take a grief-stricken shopping trip in the days after a death when looking for clothes in the last thing you feel like doing.
When death occurs (A practical list):
- Get a medical certificate from a GP or a hospital doctor. It would help if you had this to register the death.
- Register the death within 5 days at this website. Then you can get the documents you need for the funeral.
- Notify family and friends
- Arrange the funeral.
- Use the Government Tell Us Once service to report a death to most government organisations (passport office and DVLA for example)
- Notify the banks, mortgage company, pension company, insurers. You don’t need to deal with the will, money and property straightaway but it will need sorting after the funeral.
- More information about dealing with a UK death is at the government’s website.
- Order flowers for the funeral. I also ordered a single red rose for each children to place on top of the coffin.
- Organise the wake.
- Place a local newspaper obituary. Keep the entry short and sweet – not giving away too many details about the person (such as date of birth and mother’s maiden name) to prevent identity theft.
- Contact The Bereavement Register to stop unwanted direct mail to the deceased.
If you find yourself in this position in the future then I hope that this list helps.